In Hot Pursuit

Father it is difficult to focus right now. Wanting to press in to you.  Wanting to listen to you.  Needing to hear your voice, understand, comprehend your ways, your mysterious movement, your captivating love.  There is none other than you, none like you.  You are holy.  I hide in your sacred heart, the fire of your love, the holiness of your presence.  I need you every hour. I need you.  More than ever. Let me see you.  A glimpse just a glimpse of your face is my deepest desire and hope in each and every moment.  You are my treasure.  You are not only my lord, my king, my savior....you are my treasure.  Your saving love is a gift that never ends.  I passionately want you, need you, long for you every moment I take breath into my lungs.  You are my breath, my life, my satisfaction.  I desire no earthly thing. Only you.  Only you.  Only you. Make the light of thy countenance to shine upon me.  My soul is satisfied in you.  You have rescued me...over and over and over again. You have been my strong tower, my mighty fortress. I look to your love, your beauty, your majesty, your magnificence, your unfailing devotion to me through the love and blood spilled sacrifice of your son, Jesus. I have done nothing and do not deserve such love and such revelation of glory.  How despicable and wretched I am to ever desire glory that belongs only to you. I am continually satisfied by one thing...that I lack seeing you, knowing you, and experiencing you, therefore; I am always passionately pursuing you with every fiber of my being.  My soul on fire is satisfied only when it is in hot pursuit of the living God.  Father I love you and I want to follow you, obey you and live sacrificially for you. If that means becoming more uncomfortably public and becoming more undignified in living for you then show me what you desire and give me the courage to act. I know that the actions may not "feel" very "spiritual" after the fact and I could be left feeling abandoned even embarrassed but the risk should be worth it because isn't that what Jesus suffered? Abandonment?  I press in to know you, the power of your resurrection and the fellowship if your sufferings, becoming like you in death...that I might truly live...in dying (for you) there is the fullness of life. And you came that I might have life, life to the fullest.

Driven or Drawn

This building sits on the corner of 15th and Lewis in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  It's just an ordinary office building. There's nothing special about it...nothing special at all except that it captured the heart and mind and imagination of a 5 year old boy in 1971.  Every chance I got I would run to the chain link fence that separated me from the street and the object of my affection.  It sat on the other side of a thousand buzzing cars passing by throughout the day.  I would stare through the links of the fence, clenching them, wondering what he was doing in that mysterious cube.  With all I had within me, I would try desperately to peer inside those rectangular windows of the office building and catch a glimpse of him.  With all my imagination, I would dream of the work he was accomplishing, picture the desk he sat at, and wonder which window was his.  I longed to be with him, even ached.  I so desperately wanted to be with the Dad I was separated from.  If he would only come get me, let me sit at his desk, or eat a peanut butter & jelly sandwich with me at lunchtime.  I remember missing him so badly that the ache seemed to materialize and ooze out of my heart into the thin air.  Sometimes my brother would come over and stand with me at the fence that surrounded the Day School Nursery that sat opposite the corner of my Father's company...Texaco Oil.  Sometimes my brother would come over and stand with me and dream about a life that was free from the harsh realities we faced at home...a home filled with psychological chaos, tumult and dysfunctional-ism in pure textbook fashion. Why couldn't we be with him? I just wanted to hang out with my Dad. I just wanted to be with him.  He's just...right...there...just within...reach...if I could only see my Father...

"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

If I could only see the Father...he seems so within reach...just right there...if I could only catch a glimpse...of what he's doing, the work he's accomplishing...he's just right across...the divide...?

While the brief glimpse of my childhood above may evoke a sense of sadness or longing, I think it illustrates, to a certain extent, the longing we grapple with as God-chasers.  We long for Him, to be with him, to catch small glimpses of Him, to walk with Him in the cool of the day as he talks to us, shows us things, and reveals truth and love.  But as God-chasers, our longings are intermingled with hope...hope that is alive.  In Ted Dekker's book, The Slumber of Christianity, he poses the question...are we being driven by the pleasures of this world or are we being drawn by the light of the glories to come?  He goes on to say the pleasures of this life are to be enjoyed if we bathe them in an obsession of what's to come...for they are small glimpses of the glories to come...eternal pleasures at his right hand.

Longing for God, awaiting His return, setting our hope fully on the grace to be given us when Jesus Christ is revealed...for we will appear with him in glory!  What a fantastically real and mysterious and abundantly life-giving treasure hunt we have been sent on!  Yes, inwardly we groan...and it is agonizing at times but deep in the heart of the expedition  comes bread from heaven, glimpses of the divine, nuggets of wisdom eternal, and delightful feasts in the presence of our enemies, our agonies. The hugs from our children, the tastes of our foods, the richness of our friendships, the best-selling book, the mystifying movie, the ski trip, the weekend at the lake, the amazing prayer time, sermon or worship service are all tiny glimpses of the wonder to come.

I accept the empty longings.  I know this life is temporal and each longing reminds me of those who suffer with no hope, no knowledge of His joy, His redemption.  Each moment found aching reminds me to lay down my life in intercession for those destined never to taste His glories divine apart from a miraculous intervention. I long to know completely as I am known, like that 5 year old boy in Tulsa, Oklahoma longed to be with his father who was just a few yards away in that cold, stark white building.  I inwardly groan but am also filled with an inexpressible joy.

A fire burns and rich dew falls as I walk through what I often find, a barren land with leafless trees and winter-browned grasslands.  He gives me sight...mysterious power...living hope...food and shelter...this is the Lord God who walked through the Old Testament guiding and governing His creation...this is the Lord God who gave His Son in the New Testament...this is my sweet Savior and my heart is only for His...He is my affection, and I joyously long for Him.

Am I driven by the pleasures of this world or drawn by the glories to come?  I would say both.  I am driven and drawn by everything that grants me, however small, a taste of the eternity to come spent with my Father...my God...my King.