Superhero

"John's clothes were made of camel's hair, and he had a leather belt around his waist. His food was locusts and wild honey."  Matthew 3:4

I love this guy!  A true hero!  He's my hero!  If he were alive today or I was alive back then I would want to hang out with him.  And who wouldn't?!?  He absolutely could not care less about anything other than hearing from the Lord!!!   Obviously, fine clothes and fancy foods were not an issue.  He didn't need a stage or spotlight since he chose to live in the desert. He didn't care what people thought about him. Political correctness was not a concern since he preached a different government...and was beheaded for it.  Prestige was no concern.  Oh and he was in line for the priesthood but refused it...remember his parents?...yeah...daddy was a priest.  So titles meant nothing to him. Needless to say, comfort was not a necessity, and hardship seemed a preference.  It didn't matter!!!  NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK, HE WAS DETERMINED TO KNOW HIS GOD!!!  

I wanna hang out with people like that.  Do you want to know why? Because I might get to know HIM a little bit more!  Even Jesus thought a lot of him. He said that no one born of women had been as great as John the Baptist!  Wow!  Would Jesus say that about us?

This guy was....well....a Superhero.

I wonder if John knew or had some idea of his future.  I wonder if he knew he would spend most of his life living in the desert, enjoying very little of the finer pleasures of life, only to go public with a difficult and unpopular message and after 15 minutes of fame end up beheaded because of some crazy lady!

Like any boy growing up, I loved superheroes.  Superman, Powerman, Spiderman, Captain America, Flash, and on and on.  Yes, bed sheets turned into capes and sticks turned into swords in the backyard of our home growing up. Nowadays, we have Star Wars, Ben 10, Bionicles, Harry Potter, Twilight, etc.  What makes them so great?  I think part of it is power.  Superhuman power.  We all want it.  And I don't think it's such a bad thing kept in perspective.  After all, didn't Adam have amazing ability before the fall?  Think about it...he managed the earth...he named ALL the animals.  He walked in purity before the presence of God.  And look at our future...a new name...hidden manna....eternal rewards....we'll rule and reign with Christ...we will fully know as we are known...there will be no darkness as members of this great eternal kingdom of priests!  I like to believe that somehow in some way we will be superheroes serving God for all eternity!

But for now, I love this John the Baptist, superhero…I love this superhero's uniform....Camel's hair and a leather belt...what else do you need when you have the power of the Holy Spirit?...I love his "special powers"....nothing....what?...yeah nothing...his only claim was the one coming after him whose shoelaces he was unworthy to untie...but when he spoke, the earth shook and lives were changed!...his only claim to power was that he made it...he survived the desert.  He endured God's testing, shaping, forming, stretching, molding and unending preparation...in his own "desert storm". Raised in the desert, SURRENDERED to the desert and all of its afflictions…that he might come forth, forged as a weapon in the master's hand.  This man allowed God to do whatever he needed to do...so that a bridled horse, a true spokesman for God would come forth.  God brought forth and trained a man through the furnace of affliction and a life of wordly denial to speak ONLY when he was SUPPOSED to speak and to do ONLY the work he was called to do.  He raised up a man to announce the coming of CHRIST!

I love this superhero’s food…locusts and wild honey.  He never ate at Mahogany’s.  He never tasted a hundred dollar bottle of wine…he never drank alcohol!  I love the company he kept…well I don’t know what company he kept…but I have to wonder what “officials”, CEO’s, religious leaders, or statesmen hung out in the desert?  What “brood of vipers” would even dare to come near him?  Raised in, and clothed with humility, he needed no limelight…only the light of his God.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  Romans 8:18

I love John’s eternal perspective.  He knew he was here for one purpose…to announce the coming of the Son of God and to repent of sin…he knew he was here to prepare the people for Christ, and soon he would join Him for all eternity.  Through every hour of joy or sadness, difficulty or elation, passion or drudgery…whatever the moment brought…it was there for a purpose…and he knew it...it was there to shape him…to mold him…to make him into what God called him to be…NOTHING was a waste…NOTHING in your life is a waste when you are surrendered to the desert…NOTHING in your life is a waste when you are surrendered to Him…Jesus…the Christ....the absolute lover of our souls.

...my prayer...

God, please make me your instrument.  May this life not be lived in vain.  May I become a weapon in your hand, fashioned by fire, sharpened & hammered to perfection, to slay the principalities of darkness and wickedness.  Out of my weakness and your strength, cause enormous faith to erupt from within me.  Help me to slay my dragons of fear and confusion.  Cause me to ride forth victoriously with valor and vision at my side.  Rescue me from my impurities.  Cleanse me of my sin.  That I may see you & behold the one I desire above all.  My longing for the light of your countenance, the deep wealth of your word spoken, and the rich fragrance of your presence are almost too much to bear.  I remember how you visited me through the day always close…surrounding me.  Your words impregnated my soul without relent.  Worship was my every thought, my every breath, and my steadfast response.  I pray for a new chapter to begin.  Perhaps something deeper, a rekindling,. Perhaps this is a new invitation…to your altar, the secret place.

Alone

"When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he said unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! Then said he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home." John 19:26-27

I had never been so alone in all my life.  The terror and confusion seized my mind, day and night, but the aloneness was debilitating...like a band wrapped around my chest it squeezed breath...until it seemed there was none...my heart sunk...and ached...I was cut off...it seemed...from humanity itself...oh there were others on the psyche ward...but who were they...what were they?....I honestly didn't know...couldn’t communicate...family and friends would visit....but I couldn't tell them...I couldn't let them know what I was thinking...because I knew that if I shared my thoughts...out loud....if I spoke them...then the words would surely turn...to reality....and that reality would end the world....I was totally...completely....alone.

The kids are watching The Young Sherlock Holmes tonight and in one scene the teenage Holmes was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up.  He said, "I never want to be alone".

I never grow tired of learning about the story and the theology of the cross. The scripture above amazes and comforts me with the passion and intimacy shown by our Lord.  There He hung...totally alone...no one else could do this.  No one else could join him, help him, walk along side him...comfort him.  He had to take the sin of all mankind onto himself, be wrapped up in utter darkness, and die completely...alone. What's worse? He would die completely misunderstood.  Nobody really knew why or what was happening...and so many hated him.  Have you ever desperately wanted to get your point across about something?...settle the score?...state your peace?  You have to wonder...when he cried, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani, to what extent did he even know?  Even the Father had left him.

What leaves me speechless is the way he reaches out in his darkest hour to care for his mother and his dearest friend.  The Son of God hung there completely alone, suspended in history, outside of time, tortured in mind and body far beyond what any human could endure, betrayed and hated by those he loved....and his concern was not for himself....but for his mother, Mary and his beloved friend, John.

In one of his last dying breaths he tells his mother that she won't be alone.  She has John, now, as a son. He tells John to take his mother as his own...and John proceeds to care for her.  And in telling them, it’s as those he’s telling his church, you have each other! You have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers…PLEASE, embrace each other as I embrace you now in my darkest hour. 

 

My God!  My God!  Do we really need another hero?...another American Idol?...another great singer or pop star?  Consider this hero....consider his heart...it crushes me when I break it...frustrates me when I hurt him...it kills me when no one seems to pay any attention to him…

When I was hospitalized that first time, somehow the medical staff had found out that I played guitar.  I suppose a family member had told them.  So one day they brought me a guitar and said I could play it anytime I wanted.  I would take that guitar to one of the back hallways of the ward and play and sing and praise and worship...and the presence and the peace of God would come!…and  would bring the ONLY refuge I could find. There truly were some miraculous moments. In my complete aloneness, totally misunderstood, unable to communicate, paralyzed by fear and confusion…he was there….I NEVER WAS ALONE…during these times, there were moments…moments where I was lucid…moments when he showed himself to be a Mighty God, the Prince of Peace, the Lion of Judah!

Strange as it seems, I am thankful for what happened to me some 20 years ago.  The illness.  Or maybe it would be more accurate to say I am thankful for how He revealed himself through it.  Somehow, unexplainably, mysteriously it unites me to his sufferings, his intimacy, his heart for his mother, his friend, his people, the church, the lost, the dying and those alone…in their own agony.  Most of all, it unites me to Him…it gave me a deep love for Him that I dare say, I may not have known apart from what was suffered.  I guess, maybe that is why Paul and St. Francis of Assisi and I am sure many other saints that have gone before us have prayed to know the sufferings of Christ.  

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  1 John 4:10

He didn’t just die for us.  Volumes of books written over the last 2,000 years attempt to explain the depth, the theology of what happened that day.  Volumes of books written have attempted to explain the depth of what and who we are called to…a life of intimacy with Him…a life that never has to suffer alone…a life embracing a passionate Lord who looks down from the cross and says, behold you have me…and you have each other…for eternity!  Love me…embrace the cross…embrace my words…you are my bride...you are my beloved...and you are not...alone!

Masters Of The Art

How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?   Habakkuk 1:2

Plain and simple.  One question.  What is the antidote for God's silence?  Read his word more?  Pray more? Serve him more?

No really...what is the antidote for God's silence?

What are we to do when that one thing that's plaguing us won't go away?  Why won’t he fix it?  What is he doing?  He’s not even listening.  What are we to do when the Bible seems to be taking a break...the heavens seem to be on vacation...our prayers seem to never leave the room?
 
Why is it when my son or my daughter want to talk to me, I am all ears?  And I speak back to them.   Why is it when they ask me to play with them...I go play with them...even if I don't feel like it?  Why is it I can't bear the thought of the slightest bit of suffering or injustice coming to my children?...but God seems to not only allow it but intend it?

It must be okay to ask why…Habakkuk did...

"From the moment they awake, they devote themselves to the perfection of that which they pursue"   The Last Samurai

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?"

What if the world saw us as black-belts in Christianity instead of religious bigots and judgmental extremists?  It fascinates me that many of the religions around the world pray regularly, accept hardship as the norm, live as mystics, and study with discipline...and we're supposed to be the people who know the one, true, living God!  We run into problems and we build a better flat-screen TV, make a better drug, build a cooler phone with more apps, take more vacations...while our debts increase...and we grow more stressed....

Both of my kids are in karate. One is a blue-belt and one a red-belt. They are well on their way to browns, then blacks. It really is amazing to watch their form mature.  When I first came to know Christ I was given a couple of "starter" books that helped me learn the Word.  I loved learning and memorizing those first scriptures. I loved the way others seemed to know them so well and could apply them to their daily lives. And of course, I loved watching or listening to the "masters" like Charles Stanley unpack this living book that I had discovered. I loved the way they prayed.  It was beautiful and powerful and “other-worldly”. 

 

I wanted to be like one of them so badly...I wanted to know the word like that...I wanted to know this amazing God I had met...like they did.  I wanted to know what it was like to be involved in real intercession.  Every few months…then every few years I would think, I'm getting there...its happening.  It was as though every so often...I would get a new belt. Like learning to play an instrument, mastering a foreign language or developing in a sport, the more I practiced the better I got.

The world has its disciplines.  Medicine, law, language, etc.  Our faith is a discipline…an art...and a science. We must master it.  We must become Masters in the Art of following Christ.  Yes, he is silent sometimes.   Yes, we struggle.  Yes, we all have a "thorn in the flesh".  But I believe he is trying to develop us into masters of the faith.  I believe there are unknown depths of maturity that he would like us to grow into this side of heaven.  Why can’t we walk like Paul or Moses or David or Gideon or Peter or John did?  We have the thorn so we might as well grab the revelation!

"And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ"

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better."

"Until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ."

He is a mystery.  We are called to a mysterious walk/life.  He has revealed it to us in part.  I believe that in our Christian culture in America we are in danger of losing this truth, this depth.  We have a shallow faith.  We rely on modern technology to fix everything for us.  We only accept hardship as the norm when our goal is monetary…not mystery…when it will get us more things…instead of more revelation…more power…instead of more mastery over the flesh…more vacations…instead of more retreats…to find him…know him…love him.

The world will never like us.  God's word promises that no servant is greater than his master and since the world hated him, they will hate us too.  But what if they began to respect us…even fear us a little...as those who walk in a different kind of power, a different kind of love, a different kind of discipline, a different kind of mystery…as those who carried a different kind of weaponry…weaponry that “demolishes strongholds” and battles “spiritual forces of wickedness in high places”…what if they began to recognize us as black-belts in Christianity…as masters of the art…?

The Unknown

What's gonna happen...how's this gonna work...how am I going to pay this bill...how will I make the numbers crunch...how am I going to get the medicine I need...how am I going to tell my parents...am I going to lose my job...will my wife sign the papers...is my husband going to leave me...am I going to die...what is my boss thinking...what are my peers thinking...how will I hold it all together...will I be able to sleep tonight...will my child live through the night...will I ever walk again...how am I going to make this work and....what if I don't...The unknown.

Because of my job, I am in different hospitals throughout the day. I try to frequent the chapels...I know where they all are...I even have my favorites...they help anchor me as I work through the week. After taking one of my medical sets to St Francis today, I went to the chapel to spend a few moments in prayer.  It was one of THOSE times...I walked in not expecting anything different, and no sooner did I walk through the doors of the chapel did that sweet wonderful cloud of his presence seem to descend, fill the room, and surround me.  I hurried to the very front pew and under the cross, before the altar, I couldn't wait to fall to my knees. Words of prayer and intercession came easy this time.

I was troubled by a few things this morning as I usually am...just ask my wife! And as I knelt there before an almighty God filled with his presence, fixed on his fire, I thought...ya know it's funny...whenever we are troubled, worried, or in fear of the unknown, we are called to seek something that is a gzillion times more.....unknown.

"Whatsoever thy hand finds to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest." Ecclesiastes 9:10

My Father-in-law, Earl, spends much of his time in his workshop. He's been a carpenter for most of his life. He's a simple man and understands simple things...things he can get his hands on...measure...draw....cut...nail...glue...construct...create...he tells me all the time, "Sean, Jesus was a carpenter". As though I'd never heard that. Earl would always use his craft (and still would like to) to help others in need.

Carol loves to teach her home school kids as they gather each Friday. She plans for it all week. There's no monetary benefit. She’s gifted to do this, and there are few things in her life, now, that she finds more fulfilling. She poors her knowledge, her faith, and her life into these kids. She is always describing to me how she is finding God in her studies...and her work.

We have these friends.  There into some weird stuff. They know about weird things.  A yellow butterfly passes by and they recognize that it’s a ”cloudless sulfur". They craft wigs out of newspaper. They study and build anything electronic, raise animals in their backyard, eat chicken & waffles for dinner, and they were the ones who introduced us to the amazing adventures of geocaching! They live life and we marvel at the way they live it to the fullest. They are an amazing family, and they are continually fascinated with God's designs.

It started as an idea. My walk with God was missing something. I had trained my mind to remember and look back at what words God had given me when I was going through difficult times.  But it wasn't enough. I needed something more tangible to remind me. I had always told others to journal, but hadn't tried it myself. After a couple of entries into my iPhone note pad, my hands…I mean thumbs…took off. Now it's a blog and I love it! Many have told me how much they are blessed by it, and I hope someday someone will tell me they follow Christ because of it.  My day can be full of worries, but somehow this blog takes me deeper into Him and causes the worries to fade...at least a bit.

I think God has given us a wonderful gift in that we can find Him, learn from him, and walk with him through tangible means...our re-creation...in our carpentry projects, our teaching projects, our blogging, our gardening, our newspaper wig-making….our creating.

We are faced with the unknown. Every minute of the day. We wake up with it and go to sleep with it. Many live in fear, stress and sickness because of it. Many are addicted to drugs because of it.

When we were going through the daily battle of Joy's Alzheimer’s, Earl would be out in the shop and say, "Sean it just helps my mind so much". Sometimes he's almost giddy out there. "Jesus was a carpenter."

"sometimes you're in the cloud, sometimes you're in the creed, sometimes you're in the stars, sometimes you're next to me" Jason Upton

When we’re faced with so many unknowns in our lives, I think it’s helpful to grasp hold of some "knowns"...maybe even lose ourselves in them a bit...we might find an amazing God right there with us, hanging out, creating with us, enjoying it with us.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 

1 Corinthians 10:31

Sacred

When I was 9 years old, my brother and I decided to spend the summer "can collecting". This was going to be our attempt to strike it rich and have plenty of money for whatever toys, army gear, weapons, or sports equipment we would ever need. Each day we would load up our wagon with daily supplies, i.e. food, drinks and tools for collecting. It was the most exciting thing we had ever done! We couldn't wait until the next morning to continue our adventure of a lifetime!

All sorts of things happened as we hunted for our monetary means, each day. I remember we would travel into "unknown lands", ya know, the apartment complex behind our neighborhood. There was this kid that I guess lived there. He would always seem to meet up with us. He had to have been a part of some foreign culture or unknown origin from some mysterious world because he would always greet us by yelling "hey whites over here, over here whites"...and he would accompany us on our many journeys. Never could figure out why he called us that.

By the end of the summer, we made $3.65!!!  For some reason I still remember that exact amount. We were baffled that we hadn't struck it rich...but we didn't care...it turned out to be a great summer...we had experienced an amazing adventure....it's like that particular summer was somehow...sacred.

Occasionally, we will make a trek to Mayesville Cemetary down by Paul’s Valley, Oklahoma. It's where Carol's "Grammy" Jane Carnes and her son Buster are buried. It's always like a holy pilgrimage. Her Grammy was a passionate follower of Jesus and it was Grammy that raised Carol up in the faith and taught her the things of God. Jane Carnes' husband was a fiery Baptist preacher. We consider the ground "hallowed" and it was a holy moment when we buried Carol's mom there.

The ground is holy because it was drenched with tears from when Jane Carnes buried her 9 year old son, Buster, July 8, 1931...daily she returned with Carol's mother in arms, to mourn the loss of her son. When we visit, we point out their graves to our children, tell the story of what happened, and point out the tree where Carol's mom played as a little girl while Grammy...wept and mourned. It's always been a little extra special to Carol and me because July 8 is also my birthday. It's like the place is...sacred.

I don't know what I would do if I were not able to recognize "sacred signposts" throughout my life.  At times I feed off of moments in my past where I now can recognize where God's hand was moving....in the wonderful times...and the horrible times. I can even look back at the worst experience of my life, that I recently wrote about, and see many specific instances where he moved majestically...and though I hated what happened, I will always cherish how he moved and how we walked through it together...because of that I can say with all humility...I know him...I have seen him...and he is good....follow him.

These sacred moments enable me now to reach into my present trial, struggle, or circumstance and "lay hold of that for which Christ has laid hold of me". They have taught me and continue to teach me the mystery of dwelling in him, pressing in, and "pressing on towards the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus". They have taught me to reach into the moment and with a sword in hand, slay the dragons, the enemies of my soul and lift up my eyes to him!....and worship!!!!

When I first came to the Lord, I had a pastor who would always tell us that we needed to develop a personal history with God. Being an "infant" I always thought, what the heck is he talking about?  Now I know. Now I have a rich past to draw from and to help me more easily realize and recognize the sacred moments in the present....and to discover that EVERY moment is sacred, holy, divine in Jesus Christ....to recognize that "ALL THINGS work together for the good for those who are called according to his purpose" and "he is working ALL things in conformity to his purpose in will". 

I have learned from these sacred signposts that no matter what chaos is happening around us, we can shout! We have a voice! "Offer up a sacrifice of praise, THE FRUIT OF YOUR LIPS". In every moment "offer your body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God". Oh and you know that scripture, "pray without ceasing". I used to think, impossible!! No way!! Now I have found there is no other way to live...every second is holy, sacred....every second is a prayer.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me”  1 Corinthians 13:11

Burden Bearing

"Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

She said, "this life has turned out harder than I ever dreamed" "our family has suffered great tragedy"

"This life has turned out harder than I ever dreamed."

These words have echoed through my heart the past couple of days over and over again. It came in an email two days ago from a friend I had lost touch with...haven’t talked in years. I went to the same church as her family did.  It was one of those "superchurches"....ya know, growing by leaps and bounds, God was "moving mightily", we were all gonna do "great things" for God.

Tragedy wouldn’t fit into the equation.

I have always known this person as a passionate follower of Christ. I don't believe that has changed. I believe she is still, wholeheartedly in love with Jesus. Although I haven't spoken with her in years, judging from the email, I have no doubt she is still "working out her salvation with fear and trembling". I also know this person is not a "wimp". She can take some hits. I've seen her take some.

"My family has suffered great tragedy."

But she's a faithful believer! A true lover of God!  What's the deal?!? Why?

I honestly do not know what's happened in her life. I don't know what loss...what tragedy she has endured. But ya know what....I agree with her...I agree with her wholeheartedly. This life has turned out much harder than I ever dreamed...it hurts...it’s difficult... it can even be unbearable…sometimes the pain from loss cannot be soothed, and the clouds of darkness cannot be dispelled. In fact, at times I look back over the years and think, man if I knew that had been coming, I’m not sure I would have had the courage to take one more step!

My heart breaks for my "old friend"...I don't know what has hurt her and her family, and I don't pretend to know their pain...I only know my own. But my own pain is exactly what drives me to embrace the pain of others…well that, and Jesus.

Let's stop there for a second. By nature I'm a pretty selfish person....okay, very selfish. It's all about Sean sometimes. So...let's do some calculations...math has never been my strong subject but we'll give it a shot.

By nature I am selfish...but my heart is hurting for my friend...though I'm selfish, I do pray for God's heart...so, maybe God has shared his heart with me...so if I am hurting for my friend and I have prayed to know God’s heart, maybe God would like me to let her know he is hurting for her, loving her, thinking about her,...carrying her...

And since I am by nature a selfish person...but the pain I have endured causes me to embrace those around me in their struggle, then maybe I should be busy about fulfilling the law of Christ...what? Fulfilling the law of Christ? Me? Fulfill the law of Christ? Have you seen my sin?

When the disciples urged Jesus to eat, he said, "my meat is to do the will of him who sent me".

I'm not sure what Jesus meant by this but it makes me think, YES!!! When I reach out to others around me to help them in some way, be it ever so simple, I WALK AWAY FULL. I FEEL FED. I love to eat food…but there is nothing like being used of God even if it's in just some small way. It can be VERY FULFILLING. Our meat is to do the will of the Father by worshiping Him and carrying one another’s burdens….and so fulfill the law of Christ.

I can't explain why terrible things happen in this world. I can't explain why terrible things happen to my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ, but I can tell you that I'm not sure I would have as deep of the taste of God’s heart and love if it were not for having the opportunity to live in this fallen world...and having to suffer this life...what I’m saying is (please don’t throw stones at my theology, I’m just rambling) we all know hurt and pain can cause us to realize a deeper love in ourselves and others and God. So while the Garden brought perfect bliss, is it possible we are blessed with ever-increasing depths of the revelation of God’s love through experiencing him in this fallen world? Sometimes when I see someone hurting, it makes me realize so much more how much I love them!

“to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” Ephesians 3:18

And I say these things with gentle respect....I've never lost a child...I've never gone through divorce...I've never fought in a war and had to take another's life...I've never gone without food to the point of sickness or impending death...I've never gone without food for more than a day!....I've never had to live in a cardboard shack with a dirt floor...I've never gone without plumbing or heating or air conditioning....or even clean water…

"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." Proverbs 20:5

The heart is a mysterious thing and God is a mysterious God. It’s the most mysterious organ besides the mind, perhaps. Funny...God chose to live there.

When I sit with a person, a friend that is suffering…I never know what to say…even feel stupid sometimes…but I know that deep in my heart something “supernatural” is happening…there’s this hurt…this burden…this something…this love…that makes me want to sit there with them instead of going and watching TV or something…maybe in some small way…in that instance…the law of Christ is being fulfilled…a burden is being shared…

My Asylum

"So he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.  After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him."

It was nothing short of horrifying...

I was the "chosen one".

The one chosen to end the world.

My thoughts demanded it.

I was the one to ultimately rise as the end-time ruler.

I was Hitler.

I was Napoleon.

I was Nero...

I was Nebechadnezer.

I was Firestarter.

I was Charles Manson.

I was Judas.

I was Anti-Christ.

I was the one chosen to lead millions to an eternity of hell.

...and I would soon be there too...

I was in every television show.

The subject of every radio talk show.

Ya just had to hear it.

In the coded language.

It was happening.

The whole world was watching.

Me.

What is this jacket on me?!? Why are my arms strapped around my body like this?!? What is this place?!? Who am I?!? My mind won't stop racing!!!...who are these people?!?....they hate me...they know who I am!!!....they want me in hell because they know I'm taking them there...who are these people?...what are they doing to me?

This was about 5 minutes of torture that my mind was enduring when I was institutionalized 22 years ago in the state mental hospital....5 minutes...it took years to be healed of this! ....5 out of thousands of agonizing, terror-driven minutes...several agonizing years of treatments, different meds, hospitals, embarrassments, suicide attempts, family pain, and more hospitals...it almost ended once...yes, it was finally over...after several years of battling mental illness, the medical staff cut the bed sheets from around my neck as I hung from the ceiling of the Crisis Center...I was totally blue...but somehow they had managed to breathe life back into me again.   

Soon after this I did find an amazing doctor…the correct diagnosis, as well as, the correct treatment. They called it paranoid schizophrenia, stress-induced psychosis, bipolar disorder...and on and on and on...
Most who know me now are shocked when I tell them about this.  There are no signs of it because with the right treatment, complete healing is possible.  I have an amazing and beautiful family with one of the healthiest and strongest marriages I know of.  I have a high-functioning job and an amazing circle of friends.

But there's this little thing called stigma...it's not like I had cancer or heart disease or something like that...it's mental illness...ya know...one of "those people"...Truth be told, many of us have one of "those people" in our families.  But do you know what my mental illness was?....thousands of demons attacking me?....no...a genetic birth defect?....maybe...in a way....I don't know because I'm adopted...don't know my family history....but this is what I know for sure. It was some kind of seratonin/salt/chemical imbalance!!!  Something so simple caused so many hours and years of horrible torture!

I do have a point in telling this story...it's so easy to be bitter, angry, confused...it's so easy to ask why God?  Why me? Why didn't you help me? Why didn't you get me to that "amazing" doctor quicker? What was all of that? What was the point?

I don't have any answers to any of those questions....but did you read the scripture at the top of the page? I LOVE that guy!...I mean...Man...I mean, God...read the story…so intimate…such love!

Like John, the beloved, I want to "lean upon the breast of Jesus"...and listen to his heartbeat while a chaotic world rages around me. Do you realize if he was here today, walking the earth, he would take the garment from his body..."the shirt off his back" and wash our filth...and minister to us....and soothe our hurts...and calm our hearts...and ease our minds...and go to work with us and go to our kids' games with us...and go on vacations with us...stay up all night with us while were sick...buy us breakfast, lunch and dinner?...you do the math, I'm serving him...what a passionate friend, what a passionate God...!!!

"a friend that sticks closer than a brother"

Annaliese walked up behind me yesterday, put her arms around me, and unsuccessfully tried to trick me into thinking it was Justus...she asked, "man how'd you know it was me?!?" I said, "chicka!...I know your feel, I know your smell, I know you so well, I know your guts!!!" 

Go read through the book of John...the main character of that story...knows you, loves you, walks with you, helps you, is preparing eternity for you, a place for you...he knows your guts!!!...and he's crazy about you...