"When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he said unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! Then said he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home." John 19:26-27
I had never been so alone in all my life. The terror and confusion seized my mind, day and night, but the aloneness was debilitating...like a band wrapped around my chest it squeezed breath...until it seemed there was none...my heart sunk...and ached...I was cut off...it seemed...from humanity itself...oh there were others on the psyche ward...but who were they...what were they?....I honestly didn't know...couldn’t communicate...family and friends would visit....but I couldn't tell them...I couldn't let them know what I was thinking...because I knew that if I shared my thoughts...out loud....if I spoke them...then the words would surely turn...to reality....and that reality would end the world....I was totally...completely....alone.
The kids are watching The Young Sherlock Holmes tonight and in one scene the teenage Holmes was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said, "I never want to be alone".
I never grow tired of learning about the story and the theology of the cross. The scripture above amazes and comforts me with the passion and intimacy shown by our Lord. There He hung...totally alone...no one else could do this. No one else could join him, help him, walk along side him...comfort him. He had to take the sin of all mankind onto himself, be wrapped up in utter darkness, and die completely...alone. What's worse? He would die completely misunderstood. Nobody really knew why or what was happening...and so many hated him. Have you ever desperately wanted to get your point across about something?...settle the score?...state your peace? You have to wonder...when he cried, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani, to what extent did he even know? Even the Father had left him.
What leaves me speechless is the way he reaches out in his darkest hour to care for his mother and his dearest friend. The Son of God hung there completely alone, suspended in history, outside of time, tortured in mind and body far beyond what any human could endure, betrayed and hated by those he loved....and his concern was not for himself....but for his mother, Mary and his beloved friend, John.
In one of his last dying breaths he tells his mother that she won't be alone. She has John, now, as a son. He tells John to take his mother as his own...and John proceeds to care for her. And in telling them, it’s as those he’s telling his church, you have each other! You have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers…PLEASE, embrace each other as I embrace you now in my darkest hour.
I had never been so alone in all my life. The terror and confusion seized my mind, day and night, but the aloneness was debilitating...like a band wrapped around my chest it squeezed breath...until it seemed there was none...my heart sunk...and ached...I was cut off...it seemed...from humanity itself...oh there were others on the psyche ward...but who were they...what were they?....I honestly didn't know...couldn’t communicate...family and friends would visit....but I couldn't tell them...I couldn't let them know what I was thinking...because I knew that if I shared my thoughts...out loud....if I spoke them...then the words would surely turn...to reality....and that reality would end the world....I was totally...completely....alone.
The kids are watching The Young Sherlock Holmes tonight and in one scene the teenage Holmes was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said, "I never want to be alone".
I never grow tired of learning about the story and the theology of the cross. The scripture above amazes and comforts me with the passion and intimacy shown by our Lord. There He hung...totally alone...no one else could do this. No one else could join him, help him, walk along side him...comfort him. He had to take the sin of all mankind onto himself, be wrapped up in utter darkness, and die completely...alone. What's worse? He would die completely misunderstood. Nobody really knew why or what was happening...and so many hated him. Have you ever desperately wanted to get your point across about something?...settle the score?...state your peace? You have to wonder...when he cried, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani, to what extent did he even know? Even the Father had left him.
What leaves me speechless is the way he reaches out in his darkest hour to care for his mother and his dearest friend. The Son of God hung there completely alone, suspended in history, outside of time, tortured in mind and body far beyond what any human could endure, betrayed and hated by those he loved....and his concern was not for himself....but for his mother, Mary and his beloved friend, John.
In one of his last dying breaths he tells his mother that she won't be alone. She has John, now, as a son. He tells John to take his mother as his own...and John proceeds to care for her. And in telling them, it’s as those he’s telling his church, you have each other! You have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers…PLEASE, embrace each other as I embrace you now in my darkest hour.
My God! My God! Do we really need another hero?...another American Idol?...another great singer or pop star? Consider this hero....consider his heart...it crushes me when I break it...frustrates me when I hurt him...it kills me when no one seems to pay any attention to him…
When I was hospitalized that first time, somehow the medical staff had found out that I played guitar. I suppose a family member had told them. So one day they brought me a guitar and said I could play it anytime I wanted. I would take that guitar to one of the back hallways of the ward and play and sing and praise and worship...and the presence and the peace of God would come!…and would bring the ONLY refuge I could find. There truly were some miraculous moments. In my complete aloneness, totally misunderstood, unable to communicate, paralyzed by fear and confusion…he was there….I NEVER WAS ALONE…during these times, there were moments…moments where I was lucid…moments when he showed himself to be a Mighty God, the Prince of Peace, the Lion of Judah!
Strange as it seems, I am thankful for what happened to me some 20 years ago. The illness. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say I am thankful for how He revealed himself through it. Somehow, unexplainably, mysteriously it unites me to his sufferings, his intimacy, his heart for his mother, his friend, his people, the church, the lost, the dying and those alone…in their own agony. Most of all, it unites me to Him…it gave me a deep love for Him that I dare say, I may not have known apart from what was suffered. I guess, maybe that is why Paul and St. Francis of Assisi and I am sure many other saints that have gone before us have prayed to know the sufferings of Christ.
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 1 John 4:10
He didn’t just die for us. Volumes of books written over the last 2,000 years attempt to explain the depth, the theology of what happened that day. Volumes of books written have attempted to explain the depth of what and who we are called to…a life of intimacy with Him…a life that never has to suffer alone…a life embracing a passionate Lord who looks down from the cross and says, behold you have me…and you have each other…for eternity! Love me…embrace the cross…embrace my words…you are my bride...you are my beloved...and you are not...alone!
Sean, you have moved me so with your blog. God has brought you through and shown others with your story that there is hope in Him. Thanks for being so open and transparent. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteVickie Garlitz
Sean thanks for blogging! They really are amazing to me and your children. We adore you.
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