"So he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him."
It was nothing short of horrifying...
I was the "chosen one".
The one chosen to end the world.
My thoughts demanded it.
I was the one to ultimately rise as the end-time ruler.
I was Hitler.
I was Napoleon.
I was Nero...
I was Nebechadnezer.
I was Firestarter.
I was Charles Manson.
I was Judas.
I was Anti-Christ.
I was the one chosen to lead millions to an eternity of hell.
...and I would soon be there too...
I was in every television show.
The subject of every radio talk show.
Ya just had to hear it.
In the coded language.
It was happening.
The whole world was watching.
Me.
What is this jacket on me?!? Why are my arms strapped around my body like this?!? What is this place?!? Who am I?!? My mind won't stop racing!!!...who are these people?!?....they hate me...they know who I am!!!....they want me in hell because they know I'm taking them there...who are these people?...what are they doing to me?
This was about 5 minutes of torture that my mind was enduring when I was institutionalized 22 years ago in the state mental hospital....5 minutes...it took years to be healed of this! ....5 out of thousands of agonizing, terror-driven minutes...several agonizing years of treatments, different meds, hospitals, embarrassments, suicide attempts, family pain, and more hospitals...it almost ended once...yes, it was finally over...after several years of battling mental illness, the medical staff cut the bed sheets from around my neck as I hung from the ceiling of the Crisis Center...I was totally blue...but somehow they had managed to breathe life back into me again.
What is this jacket on me?!? Why are my arms strapped around my body like this?!? What is this place?!? Who am I?!? My mind won't stop racing!!!...who are these people?!?....they hate me...they know who I am!!!....they want me in hell because they know I'm taking them there...who are these people?...what are they doing to me?
This was about 5 minutes of torture that my mind was enduring when I was institutionalized 22 years ago in the state mental hospital....5 minutes...it took years to be healed of this! ....5 out of thousands of agonizing, terror-driven minutes...several agonizing years of treatments, different meds, hospitals, embarrassments, suicide attempts, family pain, and more hospitals...it almost ended once...yes, it was finally over...after several years of battling mental illness, the medical staff cut the bed sheets from around my neck as I hung from the ceiling of the Crisis Center...I was totally blue...but somehow they had managed to breathe life back into me again.
Soon after this I did find an amazing doctor…the correct diagnosis, as well as, the correct treatment. They called it paranoid schizophrenia, stress-induced psychosis, bipolar disorder...and on and on and on...
Most who know me now are shocked when I tell them about this. There are no signs of it because with the right treatment, complete healing is possible. I have an amazing and beautiful family with one of the healthiest and strongest marriages I know of. I have a high-functioning job and an amazing circle of friends.
But there's this little thing called stigma...it's not like I had cancer or heart disease or something like that...it's mental illness...ya know...one of "those people"...Truth be told, many of us have one of "those people" in our families. But do you know what my mental illness was?....thousands of demons attacking me?....no...a genetic birth defect?....maybe...in a way....I don't know because I'm adopted...don't know my family history....but this is what I know for sure. It was some kind of seratonin/salt/chemical imbalance!!! Something so simple caused so many hours and years of horrible torture!
I do have a point in telling this story...it's so easy to be bitter, angry, confused...it's so easy to ask why God? Why me? Why didn't you help me? Why didn't you get me to that "amazing" doctor quicker? What was all of that? What was the point?
I don't have any answers to any of those questions....but did you read the scripture at the top of the page? I LOVE that guy!...I mean...Man...I mean, God...read the story…so intimate…such love!
Like John, the beloved, I want to "lean upon the breast of Jesus"...and listen to his heartbeat while a chaotic world rages around me. Do you realize if he was here today, walking the earth, he would take the garment from his body..."the shirt off his back" and wash our filth...and minister to us....and soothe our hurts...and calm our hearts...and ease our minds...and go to work with us and go to our kids' games with us...and go on vacations with us...stay up all night with us while were sick...buy us breakfast, lunch and dinner?...you do the math, I'm serving him...what a passionate friend, what a passionate God...!!!
"a friend that sticks closer than a brother"
Annaliese walked up behind me yesterday, put her arms around me, and unsuccessfully tried to trick me into thinking it was Justus...she asked, "man how'd you know it was me?!?" I said, "chicka!...I know your feel, I know your smell, I know you so well, I know your guts!!!"
Most who know me now are shocked when I tell them about this. There are no signs of it because with the right treatment, complete healing is possible. I have an amazing and beautiful family with one of the healthiest and strongest marriages I know of. I have a high-functioning job and an amazing circle of friends.
But there's this little thing called stigma...it's not like I had cancer or heart disease or something like that...it's mental illness...ya know...one of "those people"...Truth be told, many of us have one of "those people" in our families. But do you know what my mental illness was?....thousands of demons attacking me?....no...a genetic birth defect?....maybe...in a way....I don't know because I'm adopted...don't know my family history....but this is what I know for sure. It was some kind of seratonin/salt/chemical imbalance!!! Something so simple caused so many hours and years of horrible torture!
I do have a point in telling this story...it's so easy to be bitter, angry, confused...it's so easy to ask why God? Why me? Why didn't you help me? Why didn't you get me to that "amazing" doctor quicker? What was all of that? What was the point?
I don't have any answers to any of those questions....but did you read the scripture at the top of the page? I LOVE that guy!...I mean...Man...I mean, God...read the story…so intimate…such love!
Like John, the beloved, I want to "lean upon the breast of Jesus"...and listen to his heartbeat while a chaotic world rages around me. Do you realize if he was here today, walking the earth, he would take the garment from his body..."the shirt off his back" and wash our filth...and minister to us....and soothe our hurts...and calm our hearts...and ease our minds...and go to work with us and go to our kids' games with us...and go on vacations with us...stay up all night with us while were sick...buy us breakfast, lunch and dinner?...you do the math, I'm serving him...what a passionate friend, what a passionate God...!!!
"a friend that sticks closer than a brother"
Annaliese walked up behind me yesterday, put her arms around me, and unsuccessfully tried to trick me into thinking it was Justus...she asked, "man how'd you know it was me?!?" I said, "chicka!...I know your feel, I know your smell, I know you so well, I know your guts!!!"
Go read through the book of John...the main character of that story...knows you, loves you, walks with you, helps you, is preparing eternity for you, a place for you...he knows your guts!!!...and he's crazy about you...
Someone out there needs to hear this part of your story. It's a different slice of the reality of life. Mental illness is VERY real. People want to keep it "institutionalized". Boxed up, so that they do not have to deal. Especially, schizophrenia. Movies and television have made that vein of psychology "crazy", murderous and evil. But, you are the "poster child" for showing what God can and WILL do. Healing comes to the whole body. Not just the ones we hear about so often. Tearing down taboo and stigma is not going to be easy. People are more inclined to just embrace the smaller aspects of those suffering from mental illness. Like generalized depression. It's just easier to digest. But, I believe people need to have a deeper, tender and open mind to those that have known this "darkness".
ReplyDeleteWay to go, Sean! WAY, TO GO JESUS!
Now, get ready to put on your spiritual battle gear! Guard your heart and mind LIKE NEVER BEFORE!
Your SISTER!
Kari